I have to admit that I have mild trepidation for the coming days. School is beginning soon and this week before it begins is like standing on the side of the road, watching a tornado spiral through the countryside. I will be swept away soon.
It is scary knowing that there will be days on end where I may not have a moment without a to do list weighing on me. Class periods will come that will break my heart and make it hard to breathe. Moments will reveal the most selfish of me and I will kick myself endlessly for my carelessness.
Mostly it is hard knowing that I will never be enough for this life in front of me. My heart isn't strong enough to fight for every person fiercely, I'm not efficient enough to finish my to-do list, not dedicated enough to make it to the gym as frequently as I should, not brave enough to do all of the hard things that come my way, not selfless enough to realize when a person really needed me to listen, not skilled enough to be of much help to anyone, not tech-savvy enough for our new iPad iniative, not loving enough to reach out, not attentive enough to every need, not enough to be fully present and sacrificial for every direction I get pulled.
In short, I am so utterly inadequate, and I have really been feeling the weight of that these last few days. There is so, so much, and so little me.
A friend sweetly reminded me that if God has called me to something, He will equip me and bring me through. Another friend posted this on social media today:
"When God gives you more than you can handle, he is giving you the joy of experiencing his power to do the humanly impossible 'so that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God' (1 Cor. 2:5)."
While feeling the beginning whips of wind that are coming, God has started to show me my lack of faith in his power and goodness. A bit of a crushing realization, really.
Of course I would never be enough -- I was never meant to be. Only God is enough because He is the great I Am.
