There are many times when I walk away from a group situation and bite my tongue. I reflect on the evening and it seems things were so utterly dominated by me; I inserted myself into jokes or turned the conversation toward me a few times too often. With a sad shake of my head, I kick myself for not being more apt to listen and less apt to run amuck. Sometimes I realize that domineerance comes because I am feeling insecure or needing affirmation; other times I am just having fun. In either case, I always wish I would have made room for others.
According to Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge, "A woman who is not at rest in her heart... [is] 'Like a fountain troubled,' as Shakespeare said, 'muddy, ill-seeming, thick, bereft of beauty.'" In contrast, a woman at rest helps others to relax; she affirms that all shall be well.
Sometimes I wonder if women spend so much time striving because they don't believe that God is a near, intimate Father. Who is very present in the day-to-day doldrums of life, the high points, and the rather-never-be-mentioned-again moments. The Eldridge's book would seem to affirm this theory.
On Sunday, the Lord drew me to the familiar passage of Psalm 139. Verses 5-12 say,
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high; I cannot attain it.
Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light of the world about me be night,"
even darkness is not dark to you;
the night is as bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
I love the reminder that God's hand is on me, that he has hemmed me in behind and before, and that even in the farthest parts of the sea -- the darkest, murkiest moments of this life -- even there, His hand leads and holds me.
There are many moments where I am not a woman at rest, but I am knowing God more than before, and in that knowing, I feel my soul settling, sighing a breath of relief. Maybe one day I can be a means of grace like that to others.
