In my twenty-fourth year, I went through a devastating loss of a long and beloved
friendship.
Once we separated, I was very alone. I had just turned twenty-five and it felt like I was rebuilding my life. I was scared. I would pray over and over
that God would come and remake my life into something beautiful, like Ecc 3:11 says He will. I imagined that I would be transformed into a new person, like 2
Cor 5:17 talks about. Somehow, I would not be this me, but rather a
very different one, because this edition clearly wasn't working so well.
What I found over a year of unearthing that I was broken was God bringing me back to myself in Him.
He reminded me of those quiet moments as a child when I could
easily doodle or read or daydream for hours outside under the shade of
the large tree in my backyard. He showed me that He had created me and
He was pleased with me. This devastating truth is one I have to fight
for, often. When I was scared and worried about making new friends, He put
them in my path and told me that this doesn't have to be the end; things
can be built from what feels like ashes. He gave me hope.
God unveiled himself to me as quietly powerful and deeply loving and in turn, I found myself quieted in His greatness and grace. I felt and feel myself drawing near to Him if, for nothing else, but to be near; there is no personal agenda to have God swoop in mightily or to have day-to-day whims of my heart accomplished.
I think I am beginning to understand 1 Peter 3:3-6 more:
"Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but
let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the
imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight
is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as
Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if
you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening."
I
love the descriptions that Peter uses. I can see that "the hidden person of the heart" is who I am in Christ, as Colossians 3:3 says. As I walk nearer to God, I understand how that imperishable beauty shines forth as many rough edges and blemishes of sin are smoothed away. The women are noted as "holy women who hoped in God", which is a powerful and distinct description of a person, one I hold as desirable as having a heart like David's. Imagine if "she hopes in God" was the first characteristic someone attached to your name!
For years, I thought that particular verse couldn't apply to me or I didn't want it to because, well, I'm not sure anyone would describe me that way. I have big, crazy curly hair that I fully embrace, I dress in many colors and patterns, and I have a loud, full laugh that comes out often. I didn't want to be a meek, mouse-like woman, which is an incorrect image that this verse sometimes inspires.
I thought that a gentle and quiet spirit meant that I couldn't be vibrant. What I am discovering, instead, is that it is a quiet, awe-struck humbleness that is transforming me more like Christ, and thus a better and purer version of myself, as an image bearer of Him.
So friends, if you find me being quiet, you can trust that there is a previous desperation of my soul that has been assuaged and I may just be basking in the goodness of our God.
